About Me

I hung out with Jarrod today. He rented The Hangover which was really funny.

While there, I sat on one side of the room and he on the other. He asked me three times to move to his couch, but I said no. He’s got a girlfriend, i’m not snuggling up with him. I don’t care that he’s breaking up with her after Christmas…Apparently his Aunt told him to wait till after Christmas cause it’s less hurtful or something…Yea, it’s a breakup. You can’t really make that less hurtful. His girlfriend knows he likes me, so it’s not like he’s keeping it from her that we hung out or whatever.

Later in his room, he played guitar for me for a while. He’s amazing at it. He sings, plays guitar, and I think plays piano also…He’s musical which is awesome to me. He wanted to give me a back massage, but I told him no. Even though when he asked me if I liked back massages, I said “Who doesn’t?” So, he called me contradictory…lol Then later he took my hands, lifted me up, sat me in his lap and gave me a massage anyway. He asked me how it was and I said, “Imposed.” xD

He then said, “I’m guessing you like it when people are more forceful with you, cause you seem indecisive.” This completely caught me offguard because I hadn’t really thought about it. If I prefer a more dominant guy, or submissive guy…When it comes to hanging out, the bedroom, etc, yes, I like a more dominant guy…But I don’t really consider myself submissive. When it comes to myself, I know exactly what I want and i’m going to get it. I’m dominant when it comes to myself, but I guess i’m more submissive when it comes to myself and others. Hm, interesting.

He told me he’s not really sure what to make of me. He said that usually he can read people but he can’t seem to read me. I agreed to go on a date with him when I get back from NC, but he can’t figure out where that’s going to lead. I told him that maybe he can’t read me because I don’t know myself. I just take things day by day. So, yea.

He asked me what I was looking for in a guy, and I said stability. Then he asked me what I was looking for in a guy that I just started dating, I said a good time. He then asked me what it took to go from just dating to being in a relationship with me, and I said the guy has to be special.

I’m not sure yet if i’m willing to be in a relationship with him. He seems more like he’s just looking for fun and sex (which i’m all for the sex and fun), and not really a relationship. I want someone that I can grow to love and who can grow to love me back. If he’s not even open to that, then it almost seems pointless to date him. I want to have a good time also, but I want it to eventually lead to something more. I don’t think he’s willing to give that a chance though. Also, I don’t think he’s as affectionate as I like my boyfriends to be. I don’t want to be joined at the hip with a guy, but I do want someone that I can hold hands with in public and such. I guess we’ll have to see.

junglejustine:

jaeboogie:

One of the things I’ve noticed that’s wrong is the fucked up way we look at monogamy. Most of us treat our significant other like property and tie each other down. Love is supposed to enable you to live more, not disable you in return for assurance of basic companionship, a companionship that often replaces your participation in other shit anyway.

The most important thing we have to get over is the idea that a person’s value is measured by whether he/she alone can be “enough” for you. The world is infinite, and so are we—no amount of living, no number or depth of interactions with others should be “enough” for any of us, just as no amount of interactions with a person you love will ever be “enough”. To set borders on what another person can do or feel, as a condition for them to be able to receive my love and affection is bullshit and and goes against everything I believe in. I want to trust others to know what they need, and never limit them—and I really don’t think my life would be any richer from the limitations I place on others. We have to free each other to be and become ourselves. This isn’t just about sex or friends, it’s also about other needs, like the desire for space and solitude—it’s crazy how much of ourselves our significant others often ask us to sacrifice to be with them, or that we ask from them.

I want to be valued for what I am, for what I do naturally, not how well I conform to some pre-set list of needs that someone has. If someone else can fill some of those needs, I shouldn’t deny it to them. I don’t want to be jealous when others have something different to offer. None of us should be saddled with the role of sole provider for someone’s needs (non-romantic). Our purpose on Earth is not to serve others, but to find ways to be ourselves in ways that also benefit others. By saying the rest of the world isn’t off limits to your partner, you free yourself the job of being the whole world to your partner. The monogamy system means that people hesitate to share themselves with others in certain ways, unless they become romantically involved—since you can only have one romantic partner at a time you have to make sure your partner is a good investment (like damn, we’re in a capitalist market even in love relationships).

Onto the subject of sex… Sex should not be contained, and it shouldn’t be made symbolic of anything—it should simply be another way for people to be physically affectionate with each other, to give each other pleasure, to be intimate and emotionally expressive, taking equal responsibility for their involvement but without having to answer to some social expectation. For instance, if I can’t be sexually intimate with the person I want to have sex with right now due to the current physical distance between us, why should I demand him to not sleep with other women? Wouldn’t that be selfish since I can’t physically be with him right now? Hey, shit happens. Would knowing that he’s not having sex with anyone else make me feel better? No, it might give me peace of mind but other than that, nope. People have sex with people they feel nothing for all the time. The hoodlums, the “righteous”, and the average. Sex is beautiful, no doubt. But there’s far too much importance placed on it.

What I want and what I need is, a relationship in which people can be open with each other, and with themselves—in which nothing needs to be hidden or suppressed or off limits, in which the whole world can be ours to explore without fear of transgressing imaginary boundaries. When we demand total openness and honesty from each other in relationships that include limits, we’re setting ourselves up for betrayals and dishonesty. We have to be supportive of each other, in every aspect if we want real honesty to be possible. Non-monogamy isn’t about sex, it’s a general approach to relationships with people. Feel me?

I’m not interested in evading personal commitments and long term relationships—rather, I want to protect them from being unnecessarily at risk. I want to secure my love relationships, so they won’t be at risk from trivial things like temporary boredom or attraction to others, by creating relationships that are sustainable through changes in my life and needs. We can’t demand that others protect us from our insecurities by limiting themselves, and we have to face the fact that there will be moments when we are alone. If we’re going to question the way the world works, we should take that home to our own personal relationships, and perhaps try out alternatives there first before proposing solutions to the ills of the world.

I was awake until 3am last night talking to Jarrod on the phone. When he called I was drunk, when we finally stopped talking, I was mostly sober…Long time to talk. After I got off the phone with him, I had to type up the take home test portion of my Intro to Teaching final which was due this morning at 8am. So, I got 1 and a half hours of sleep.

I showed up for the final at 8am and it took me only 7 minutes to finish it. That’s when I went to take a nap in my car for a few hours. Then I went to Mia’s for a while.

After that, I picked up Chelsea and Victor and we went to the mall and out to eat. While out we met up with my ex-fiance’s wife, Michelle. I’d never met her, but we talk on facebook on occasion. She’s real nice, there’s no hard feelings between us. Though I was pretty shy and she said I don’t talk much. lol

Victor bailed on Chels and I when two of his other friends showed up with cookies for him. He hates shopping, which was all I wanted to do. I got several new tops, a dress, and some accessories. It was a success. haha

I’ve had a really good day today. But I’m extremely tired now, so i’m going to sleep. My last final is tomorrow! Whoo!

Peace and Love,
SillySongstress <3

I’m in my English class right now and supposed to be typing up my in-class essay final. You know what? This would be easier if I was still drunk. But no, instead i’m functioning off of 4 and a half hours of sleep (which, I blame Jarrod for keeping me awake. Apparently I “can’t resist him”.), sober now, and I really don’t want to do this. It’s all good though, I feel pretty great all things considered. Today is a good day. Though it will be even better once i’m done with this, at home, and going back to sleep.

I wish we could write these essays at home then e-mail it to him. He should really consider not being such a prick all the time…

Haha. I hope I pass this.